Ceris ([info]ceris) wrote,
@ 2005-08-16 20:26:00
Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend  Next Entry
Current mood: morose

Ugh, had a bit of a crap day today. Went for counselling cos of my 'issues'. Given the nature of the NHS and my financial situation, i.e. I can't afford private therapy, I've had to wait since May for an appointment. Anyway, this is how it went (behind cut for those who don't want to read about my emotional fuckuppery.



OK, so I really thought I was doing ok. Those of you who know me know that I've had periods of depression since my marriage break up. I wouldn't go so far as to say I was depressed now, but I am suffering from low self-esteem again. This is nothing new for me. I've had a sense of being not good enough ever since I can remember. Those of you who are only children and the centre of their parents' world may recognise this. Anyway, blah blah, not going through all that again since I'm sure I've written about that and the subsequent effects of my unhappy marriage and the break up I went through.

It's suffice to say I have extreme insecurity issues. And I do mean extreme. I think I'm getting worse rather than better, so when the counsellor phoned to say she had an appointment for me, it couldn't really have come at a better time. I really do need to learn tools for coping with this and stop feeling that I'm unloveable, that I have to please people all the time so they'll like me etc etc.

Anyway, today was an introductory session, and so much different from my last counselling sessions three years ago. This seemed more professional somehow, and I got the impression that because of that, it's likely to be more effective. We went through stuff like my cloistered, over-protected childhood (puts on Viennese accent: "Zo, tell me about your father." Rubs beard in expectation), my experience of childbirth, my postnatal depression and the effect that had on my marriage etc etc. All in all, I laid myself bare completely, and it bloody well hurt.



Anyway, this afternoon I went to sign on. I can't wait to get back to work so I can actually earn some money and get my life back. What the state gives you to live on is just rubbish. Why does life have to suck?


(11 comments) - (Post a new comment)


[info]dolphindancer05
2005-08-16 07:48 pm UTC (link)
It sounds like you might have a winner there with the therapist...don't let up and you can get past it and get on with life!

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]ceris
2005-08-17 07:50 am UTC (link)
Hi there and thanks for the encouragement :-) I know I'll get over this, have before, but this time I want an end to it.

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

[info]dolphindancer05
2005-08-17 04:56 pm UTC (link)
Have you tried meds? Sometimes you can't end it without them. I've got a history in my family of clinical depression, so before I was a brooding mess of emotions. Once I found the meds, I'm able to cope and be functional and not scare the hell out of the people around me.

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

[info]ceris
2005-08-18 07:59 am UTC (link)
Oh yeah, I've been on meds for three years, and frankly, I'm desperate to come off them. Thing is, they lift the depression fine, but they don't deal with the inner problems that lead to the depression. That's why I sought counselling, which I hope will help me come to terms with stuff that's happened to me.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]oohlaphlegm
2005-08-17 03:06 pm UTC (link)
I have been waiting since January for an appointment. I was told the waiting list was 6 months but when I phoned again in July to find out when my appointment was due, they said it could be up to a YEAR to get seen!!! It's ridiculous, and at £30 per session I can't afford to go private either. :( It's about time mental health was taken more seriously. I decided to take control of the situation myself by reading lots of self-help books and doing the exercises. So far it is working, but I'm too scared to try to come off the Seroxat until I've been seen by a counsellor. (My problem is anxiety attacks and agoraphobia, which can lead to depression too. I've had it on/off for about 7 years, but the relapse this time was due to the break up with my boyfriend).
Sorry to rant. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in your situation. I'm glad you got your appointment and that the counselling was productive. I went to counselling about 5 years ago (I think I only went 4 times) and I did not find it useful, but I think that's due to the woman I got. She was very unresponsive to anything I said, and at the time I was looking for a quick fix. Now I know it doesn't work like that.
I, too, put WAY too much pressure on myself. It's a rare art, having a 'who gives a fuck' attitude and still achieving something in life. I can only assume that like any other illnesses, we will eventually be cured.

Till then: chin up, doll! *hugs*

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]ceris
2005-08-17 04:10 pm UTC (link)
Please, feel free to rant! I think it's awful, the way mental health is still so sidelined, when there are so many people suffering. I've noticed this since teaching creative writing; so many of my students have problems and one, who was schizophrenic, actually committed suicide last year. Really really sad; only 21. I also think it's bad, how counselling is so difficult to come by on the NHS; we need more trained counsellors. Self help books are useful - one on depression has helped me immensely and is a lifelife - but not as useful as having dialogue with a professional.

I understand completely about being afraid to come off meds. I've been on SSRI's since my marriage ended 3 years ago, but I'm trying to come off them now. I'm fed-up of being medicated; I just want to feel 'normal' again, whatever that is.

Yeah, it's hard being someone who gives a fuck, and hard being someone who puts so much pressure on themselves. I just put it down to being a creative perfectionist! But you know, I wouldn't change who I am, despite all that. If someone said to me - I can cure you but you wouldn't have your creativity anymoore, I'd say, no thanks. So yeah, it's not all bad :-)

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

[info]oohlaphlegm
2005-08-17 08:20 pm UTC (link)
one, who was schizophrenic, actually committed suicide last year :((((((((( That is awful! Thank God, I've never felt that low. Touch wood.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]_starcrossed_
2005-08-18 02:14 pm UTC (link)
*HUGS*

I am so sorry, luv, to hear that you are going through a rough patch again. I just want things to get better for you!

Know that I am here, if you need me.

I think it's rough all over to get mental health services. My husband has great insurance through his job, but they aren't so keen to shell out for anything mental health related.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]ceris
2005-08-19 11:31 am UTC (link)
It's not so much a rough patch as a feeling of why bother? But I'm feeling so much better since I wrote the post, so at least I'm learning to deal with it. I think counselling will help me. I still have lots of stuff in my head to sort out and this time I want to do it properly. Am trying to come off meds too. Sick of being chemically controlled. I just want to be 'me', whoever I might evolve into :-)

*hugs*

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

[info]_starcrossed_
2005-08-19 12:07 pm UTC (link)
I do not blame you for not wanting to be chemically controlled. I took anti-depressants for a while a few years back, and they were not for me.

I am sure whatever 'you' evolves, that we will love her.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]boomtownrat
2005-08-19 09:53 pm UTC (link)
This is nothing new for me. I've had a sense of being not good enough ever since I can remember. Those of you who are only children and the centre of their parents' world may recognise this.

I'm not an only child, but -- my therapist and I were just talking about this yesterday, in fact -- being nearly nine years younger than my youngest sibling means that I did have an only-child kind of childhood in many ways. I can certainly identify with the sense of not being good enough, and on top of that, I've always felt I needed to live up to my oldest brother's example, since he's the golden child and I've always felt like I needed to do something just as impressive as he did (high-ranking military career, very financially sound, etc.). However, even though I feel the need to do something great and impressive, I've been floundering for years and years because my depression and massive case of insecurity have taken so much of the life out of me. So, for different reasons, I can understand that feeling very well.

It's suffice to say I have extreme insecurity issues. And I do mean extreme. I think I'm getting worse rather than better, so when the counsellor phoned to say she had an appointment for me, it couldn't really have come at a better time. I really do need to learn tools for coping with this and stop feeling that I'm unloveable, that I have to please people all the time so they'll like me etc etc.

I also identify with parts of this. I've never been the kind of person who would go overboard with doing things for people in order to be liked, but I've always had a lot of powerful insecurity. I've always been reserved in social situations, because I've always expected that people wouldn't like me. I used to say that I was always surprised to find out that someone liked me and wanted to be my friend; I'm getting slightly better about that, but I'm still incredibly paranoid and as a result, I tend to want to keep most people at arm's length so that they don't have as much of a chance to hurt me.

Therapy is helping me a lot. I hope it will help you, too, because I know the pain and stress that these kinds of issues can cause.

(Reply to this)

(11 comments) - (Post a new comment)

Create an Account
Forgot your login or password?
Login w/ OpenID
English • Español • Deutsch • Русский…